The Red OFF Button

3 approaches, one lonely afternoon, a promising date, and a London recruiter who might change everything, or might be a sextortion scam.

I woke up at 8:30 this morning feeling pretty good.

Finally.

After Saturday’s 14 approaches and a few days with too little sleep, I’d slept well. I’d gone to bed a little late, but I’d got enough hours, and I woke up optimistic.

I had a project I wanted to work on. I had some things to look forward to.

And I had a Romanian girl to invite out.

So this was shaping up to be a good day.

And in several ways, it was.

But by four o’clock, I was driving home feeling lonely enough that I just wanted to get out of the office.

Which is interesting, because almost everything that actually happened today was positive.

And as it turned out, the day was far from finished with me.

The Girl Who’s 11 cm Taller Than Me

On Saturday I met a wonderful Romanian girl.

She’s 187 centimeters tall.

I’m 176.

11 centimeters.

I rather like that.

I’ve always liked strong women, and there’s something about her that I find particularly attractive. She’s tall, calm, secure in herself, when I approached her.

Today I finally invited her out.

I’ve never been particularly interested in technical daygame. I’ve always wanted to be myself rather than do things that aren't naturally me.

But there was one little piece of advice I picked up years ago that I actually liked.

Give a woman a choice.

So I invited her to one of my favourite bars in Oslo, suggesting Friday around 18 or 19.

And I couldn’t resist a little joke about Hinge, which she’d mentioned on text earlier.

She replied almost immediately.

Friday was difficult, but she might be able to meet late.

Or she could even meet me tonight.

Alright!

That’s a rather encouraging response.

I’d suggested one evening, and she immediately offered alternatives, including the same day.

I liked that.

But then I started thinking.

Tonight?

I’d got to work a little late. I wanted to spend some time on my project. I needed to clean my apartment a little. I wanted to wash my car.

And suddenly the thought of having a date tonight felt slightly stressful.

Not because I didn’t want to see her.

I absolutely did.

But I didn’t particularly want to rearrange my whole day either.

So I left the message for a while.

And that, in itself, was interesting.

When a Girl Isn’t Life or Death

Years ago, I could get terribly preoccupied with texting.

Should I answer immediately?

Should I wait?

What does it mean that she took three hours?

All that nonsense.

But after meeting and dating so many women over the years, I’ve seen practically every variation imaginable.

Some women reply immediately. Some take hours. Some take days.

I’ve had girlfriends who were incredibly interested in me but couldn’t meet for a week because they were busy.

And the opposite.

So today it felt good to be on the other side of that old anxiety.

I liked this girl.

I wanted to see her.

But I also had my own life.

My work matters to me. My projects matter. My peace of mind matters.

Somebody once said that women should be number 3 or 4 on a man’s priority list.

I don’t know if I’d make a universal rule out of it, but I understand the point.

When you have a life you genuinely enjoy, meeting a woman becomes something wonderful you add to it, rather than something that has to take over everything else.

And today I was quite comfortable deciding that I didn’t have to drop everything just because she was available.

There’s another dimension, though.

As the day went on, I started feeling increasingly lonely and out of balance.

And I know myself well enough to recognize that when I’m in that state, my communication can become slightly polluted by that need.

I don’t want to answer her from that place.

I want to answer because I’m excited to see her, not because I’m looking for somebody to rescue my mood.

I’ll reply when I’ve settled a little.

That’s a rather nice change from the man who used to worry about messages.

A Strange Day at the Office

I arrived at work around 10:00.

And despite sleeping well, I could already feel that something wasn’t quite right.

I was reasonably upbeat. I wanted to work. I had energy for my projects.

But socially, I felt off balance.

I tried talking to two or three colleagues.

Nothing particularly wrong happened.

I just didn’t feel connected.

And I could hear it in myself.

That slightly different tone. Less relaxed. Less spontaneous. A little more self-conscious.

I know that version of myself.

I don’t particularly like being there.

Our office has become a rather strange place socially.

We’re only 7 people now in my company.

One colleague lives in Spain and comes in about every second week. Several others are rented out to customers and are rarely around. In practice, the group I work most closely with consists of my boss, another colleague and me.

And even those two aren’t always there.

My colleague has young children and understandably spends quite a bit of time at home. My boss’s office presence varies.

So some days I arrive at work and there’s simply very little social life around me.

There are people from another company nearby, and we sometimes have lunch together.

But they’re their own group.

And the women working in another sibling company have their own group too.

I can sit with either group. I can chat. People are friendly enough.

But there’s a difference between sitting with people and feeling that you belong with them.

Today I felt that difference very strongly.

I arrived at 10, while some of the others normally eat at 11. When they started having lunch near me, I felt awkward about joining in at that moment.

The other group felt like a group of their own.

And I found myself in that uncomfortable position of being surrounded by people without quite feeling part of anything.

So I went out to get lunch.

And, naturally, approached 3 women.

Fuck No, I’m Going Back

The first girl I saw was really something.

Very tall.

Exactly my type.

I noticed her as I was walking, but she seemed rather young, so I decided to let her go.

I walked a few meters.

Then stopped, and something inside me said:

Fuck no.

I turned around.

Now, this is where things became a little ridiculous.

She’d been walking across a raised area, and by the time I decided to go back, she could have disappeared in three or four different directions.

I went down some stairs, hoping I’d get lucky.

And there she was.

Slowing down at a bus stop.

Perfect!

Even better, she was standing still. I wouldn’t have to run after her.

Unless the bus arrived first.

I couldn’t see one coming.

There were two people standing nearby.

An older woman, perhaps 2 meters away.

And a guy with crutches.

Immediately I felt that familiar spotlight effect.

Everyone’s going to see me approach her.

Then I looked at the older woman.

Fuck that shit.

And the guy with crutches.

Fuck that shit too.

I wasn’t feeling particularly intimidated by either of them.

So I walked up to this beautiful, tall girl and gave her a compliment.

And she loved it.

A really lovely reaction.

But here’s the frustrating part.

I was still off balance.

Still nervous.

Still not properly warmed up.

I know from years of doing this that I often need 5 to 10 approaches before I reach the state where I become naturally relaxed, playful and flirtatious.

Especially when I haven’t had enough social contact beforehand.

And today I hadn’t.

So instead of staying and seeing where the conversation might go, I enjoyed her reaction and left.

Which was both wonderful and annoying.

Wonderful because I’d gone back, found her, approached despite feeling nervous, and made her smile.

Annoying because she was exactly the kind of woman I’d love to spend more time talking to.

I hate burning those opportunities when I’m not in the right state.

In an ideal world, I’d have arrived at work, had 3 enjoyable meetings, joked with colleagues, felt socially connected, and then gone out for lunch already warmed up. I have experienced a few work days to be like that.

Instead, I was trying to create that entire social state from scratch at a bus stop.

Again.

And that’s an ongoing struggle for me.

The Red OFF Button

After lunch I went back to the office.

I sat with the colleagues at lunch for 10 minutes.

I tried to engage.

I really did.

But as the afternoon went on, I felt increasingly lonely.

And when that happens, it’s almost as if somebody presses a big red OFF button inside me.

Click.

There goes my natural social energy.

I can still work.

I actually worked on two projects today.

One was engaging and interesting.

The other was a task I’d been putting off for about a month because I absolutely hated it.

I finally got the bloody thing done.

Which felt fantastic.

Hopefully that means I’m finished with that particular project, although I still have 10 hours a month on it, so I might still get dragged back into it.

10 hours of boring work per month isn’t a reason to quit a job, of course.

But I’ll keep making it clear that I want to work with AI and Claude Code. That’s where my passion is.

So my professional motivation wasn’t gone today.

I could still work.

What I couldn’t do was shake that feeling of social disconnection.

And there’s something particularly unpleasant about the way it feeds on itself.

The vicious circle

When I start feeling lonely, I become more conscious of how I’m coming across.

I notice my own voice.

Am I sounding uncertain?

Am I trying too hard?

Can they hear that I’m not quite myself?

And then I start watching other people’s reactions.

Someone seems less responsive than usual.

Someone leaves earlier than I expected.

And I start wondering whether it’s because of my state.

Whether they can sense that I’m off balance.

Whether that makes them less interested in talking to me.

Which, of course, makes me feel even less connected.

It’s a little loop that sucks.

Now, I’m aware that some of this may be in my head.

People leave because they have things to do.

People are distracted.

People have their own problems.

Not every slightly awkward interaction is a referendum on my social attractiveness then and there.

But I also know that my state affects how I come across.

When I’m relaxed, people tend to relax around me.

When I’m playful, conversations become playful.

So it’s not entirely imaginary either.

When I feel off socially like this, I start feeling socially "switched off".

Like the version of me who can walk up to 14 strangers and have the time of his life has temporarily gone offline.

I know he’s still there.

I just can’t seem to access him.

And sometimes it takes a couple of days to get him fully back.

Even Daygame Can’t Replace Your Mates

This reminded me of a conversation I had with Tom Torero years ago.

We were talking on Skype.

Tom had been doing enormous amounts of daygame, travelling around Europe, meeting women, going on dates.

He was extremely good at it. Our guru, our rockstar.

And he told me something that stuck with me.

Even when you’re approaching lots of women and having two or three dates a week, you can still become lonely.

Because eventually you miss your mates.

You need your friends.

At the time, I understood what he meant.

Today I felt it.

There’s a completely different quality to spending time with people you belong with.

When you’re dating someone new, there’s always a little bit of performance involved.

You want to be attractive.

You’re paying attention to your state, her reactions, the connection between you.

And I love all of that.

But with your mates, or a group of colleagues who feel like your people, you can just be there.

You don’t need to be charming.

You don’t need to flirt.

You don’t need to make anything happen.

You belong.

You can be tired, quiet, ridiculous, excited, grumpy, whatever.

And the group is still there.

That’s what I was missing today.

Not female attention.

I’d already received a wonderfully encouraging message from a woman I wanted to date.

Not professional stimulation.

I had an interesting project to work on.

Not even necessarily a deep conversation.

I just wanted to be in an office that felt like home.

With my people around me.

And today it didn’t.

12 New Colleagues

Fortunately, there may be some good news on that front.

We’re merging with the sibling company from January 1.

They have 12 people.

12!

That’s quite a few compared with our current 7, especially when half of ours seem to be somewhere else most of the time.

We’re already meeting them on Thursday.

And apparently we’re going to have speed dating with all of them.

Professional speed dating, I should probably clarify.

Although I'm rather looking forward to the format; I enjoy meeting new people.

I’m genuinely excited about this.

New people. New conversations. More energy around the office.

And perhaps, if there’s room, we could even start sitting with them before the merger officially happens.

I’d love that.

Especially on days when nobody from my own team is around.

It could make a real difference.

And it’s one reason I’m not making any dramatic decisions about work right now.

I’ve been thinking about whether I’d be happier working somewhere with a stronger everyday social environment.

That’s still a possibility.

But perhaps the situation is about to improve right where I am.

Fantastic News From London. Or sexual extortion?

And then, as I was driving home, WhatsApp lit up.

A recruiter.

He had fantastic news.

Well!

That certainly got my attention.

I’d spoken to him on a video call while I was in Italy last week. He was recruiting for a potentially very interesting freelance assignment in London, something that could open up an entirely new chapter professionally.

And now apparently there was good news.

Except that almost immediately, another feeling crept in.

Suspicion.

How the hell did he get my phone number?

I couldn’t remember giving it to him.

And during our video call in Italy, I’d already had this little nagging uncertainty about whether everything was genuine.

There’s a reason I’m cautious about these things.

Years ago, I was sexually extorted by someone on Tinder.

Not exactly my favourite dating memory.

Experiences like that leave a mark. You learn that not everybody who seems friendly or interested has good intentions.

So suddenly my mind started working.

Where did he get my number?

Could he have obtained it somewhere publicly?

Was this a legitimate recruiter?

Could somebody have recorded our video call?

Could there be some elaborate scam going on?

I started investigating.

Which is a rather strange way to react to somebody telling you they have fantastic news.

Most people might open a bottle of champagne.

I started thinking about blackmail.

Eventually I had to put the whole thing aside.

There was only so much I could establish by worrying about it.

Then, right after, he called.

And after speaking with him, I felt convinced he was genuine.

The conversation made sense. The opportunity sounded real. My suspicion settled.

So perhaps the fantastic news really was fantastic.

But there was another complication.

Suddenly, My Work Situation Has Changed

When I first spoke to the recruiter, I was seriously considering a a freelance assignment.

Perhaps taking leave from my day job.

Perhaps continuing as a freelancer afterward.

Perhaps keeping a small part-time position at my existing job to maintain the relationship.

It was an exciting possibility.

But just yesterday, my situation changed.

I suddenly got one, almost two, new assignments.

So my availability isn’t necessarily what it was when I first spoke to him.

And I wanted to handle that properly.

I told the recruiter I needed to speak with my manager before confirming anything.

Perhaps that discouraged him a little.

After all, he’d been working to bring me an opportunity, and now I was telling him I might not be as available as I’d initially indicated.

But I also told him I’d do my best.

I genuinely wanted to explore it.

So I called my manager.

No answer.

I sent a message.

He replied that he’d call me later.

And there I was, suddenly juggling a potentially life-changing freelance opportunity, my existing job, new assignments, and a recruiter in London.

A few hours earlier I’d been sitting in my car feeling lonely because nothing was happening socially at the office.

Now I had quite enough happening, thank you very much.

And in the middle of all this, I was also arranging a date.

Many, Many, Many Women?

I finally got back to the Romanian girl.

And we arranged to meet on Saturday.

Lovely.

But our conversation became rather interesting.

She started teasing me about whether I was dating many, many, many women at the same time.

So I decided to reassure her.

Playfully, of course.

I told her I’d calm her nerves 😉

"One night stands have happened, but I’m looking for one good woman".

And I joked that she’d obviously spent too much time on Hinge or Tinder.

But she wasn’t entirely finished.

She pointed out that looking for one good woman didn’t necessarily mean I was looking for her.

That was interesting.

I wondered whether there was a little curiosity beneath the teasing.

Perhaps she was wondering why I’d choose her, particularly if she imagined I had plenty of other women to choose from.

And I wanted to answer that properly.

Because there genuinely were things about her that had made an impression on me.

So I told her.

I liked how calm she seemed.

How secure she appeared in herself.

Those were qualities I’d noticed during our conversation on Saturday, and they were part of what attracted me.

And then, with a wink, I added:

..and. I like tall women 😉

I think she liked hearing that.

Not just that I thought she was attractive.

But that some of the things she naturally brings to the table are exactly what I’m looking for.

There’s a difference.

And it made me reflect on what I want from my next relationship.

Looking for Something Different This Time

My relationship with Agata was heavily driven by physical attraction in the beginning.

She was beautiful, and I was enormously attracted to her.

We did fall in love too.

There were real feelings there.

But the relationship was also difficult.

We both found it hard to feel steady when emotions ran high, and it made things difficult between us.

When one becomes uncertain, the other reacts.

Then the first reacts to that reaction.

And before you know it, something that could have been a simple conversation has become an emotional mess.

I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on my own part in that dynamic.

I don’t want to repeat it.

And that brings me back to this Romanian girl.

What attracted me on Saturday wasn’t only her looks.

It was her presence.

She seemed calm.

Secure.

Grounded.

There was something about the way she carried herself that made me feel I was talking to a strong woman.

Of course, I’ve only met her once.

And her little worries about whether I’m dating lots of women suggest she is simply curious about me.

But I liked how we handled that conversation.

She teased.

I teased back.

Then I reassured her with something genuine.

I didn’t promise her anything ridiculous.

I simply told her what I liked about her.

And that felt good.

I’m excited about Saturday.

Not because I desperately need a girlfriend.

But because I’m genuinely curious about this woman.

And perhaps, after Agata, I’m becoming more interested in the kind of woman who brings calm into my life rather than more emotional turbulence.

Someone strong.

Someone secure.

Someone I can relax with.

And if she’s 11 cm taller than me, well, that’s hardly a disadvantage.

A Cozy October Evening. Apparently Not.

Earlier today, I thought I’d spend the evening quietly working on a side project.

Maybe post something.

Watch the Champions League match with a Norwegian team playing.

I’d even placed a bet.

A nice, cozy October evening.

That was the plan.

Instead, I found myself investigating whether a London recruiter might be running some elaborate scam, speaking with him about a potentially exciting freelance assignment, trying to reach my CEO, and arranging a date with a beautiful Romanian woman who wanted reassurance that I wasn’t dating half of Oslo.

And I thought today would end dull.

There’s something rather funny about that.

The early afternoon had been dominated by this heavy feeling of loneliness.

I felt disconnected at work.

I missed having a group around me.

I felt like somebody had pressed the red OFF button on my social energy.

And then, within a few hours, life started throwing opportunities at me from several directions.

Professional opportunities...or sexual extortion.

Romantic possibilities.

Decisions about my future.

Things I actually care about.

None of that magically erases what I felt earlier.

And I don’t want to pretend it does.

I still believe that everyday social belonging is something I need more of.

I still want colleagues around me who feel like my people.

I still want to be able to walk into the office and feel at home.

No exciting freelance assignment or beautiful woman can entirely replace that.

But tonight reminded me of something else.

A bad afternoon isn’t necessarily a bad day.

Sometimes you just have to let the day finish before deciding what kind of day it was.

The Red Button Comes Back On

So what do I take away from all this?

First, I need social belonging.

Not just dating.

Not just the occasional deep conversation.

I need the ordinary, effortless contact of being part of a group.

And I’m looking forward to meeting those 12 new colleagues on Thursday.

Second, I think I’m getting better at not letting women take over my emotional priorities.

The Romanian girl responded enthusiastically, and I was delighted.

But I didn’t drop everything.

I took care of my own day.

And when we eventually talked, I could tell her genuinely what I liked about her.

Third, my professional life is suddenly becoming rather interesting.

I went from considering a freelance opportunity because I wanted something different to suddenly having new assignments at my day job as well.

Now I may actually have choices to make.

And fourth, perhaps the most important thing:

I don’t need to interpret every difficult emotional state as evidence that something is wrong with my life.

Because apparently, while I was worrying about my social state, London was preparing fantastic news, our company was finding me new work, and a tall Romanian woman was wondering whether I was dating too many other women.

Not bad for a Tuesday.

Yesterday I was writing about learning to enjoy zero on the Richter scale.

Today I discovered that even when my social energy registers close to zero, life can still be moving at full speed around me.

I spent the afternoon wishing something would make me feel more connected.

By evening, I was trying to keep up with everything happening.

And somewhere between a possible London career move, a Saturday date, and an old Tinder sexual extortion memory suddenly resurfacing, I had to laugh.

My life sure isn’t dull.