I woke up at 06:00 this morning, having gone to bed around 1:30. Couldn’t get back to sleep. Eventually took some melatonin and managed another hour.
And I felt depressed.
For a couple of months now, I’ve been struggling with whether my day job is still the right place for me. I love working with AI, but there simply hasn’t been enough AI work. And waking up wondering what the hell you’re going to do at work all day isn’t a great way to start the morning.
Sleep deprivation makes everything worse. It’s incredibly difficult to get your vibe up when you’re running on 4 or 5 hours of sleep. I’ve actually approached a girl on 4 hours of sleep and gotten a date, precisely because the interaction was so genuine. So it’s possible. But everything is so much harder.
Anyway, something changed this morning.
When I woke up at six I scheduled a message to my boss for 07:30 (hoping to wake up later with good news), asking whether I should start working on a potential new AI project, even though nothing had been signed yet
Part of me was worried about the workshop I joined on Friday. I’d been so out of it that I was afraid the customer might get cold feet. I was genuinely worried I’d somehow blown the opportunity.
My boss initially said I could start if I had nothing else to do.
And then, around 10:30, he confirmed it.
We had the project.
What a relief.
We had a call at 13:30, and I was conscious of wanting to show him that I could still deliver. I’ve wondered lately whether I’ve lost a little of his confidence in me, particularly around data architectural decisions.
But I think I did a pretty good job today.
Later, I saw that he’d even proposed billing me out at a top rate, the highest I’ve seen, for a big chunk of hours.
That felt fantastic.
My previous AI project was estimated at considerably more hours than I actually needed. I delivered it well under the estimated time, which the customer loved, but it doesn’t exactly keep us busy for long.
And another potential project was hinted at today, too.
Suddenly, after months of uncertainty, there was work again. Real AI work.
Three approaches at lunch
There was another little victory today.
A client was visiting the office today.
At lunchtime, he was sitting at his desk talking with three female colleagues, while some other people around me were having lunch.
I wasn’t really part of either conversation.
And I could feel that familiar sense of being socially disconnected. I knew I had a meeting with him after lunch, too, and I wasn’t exactly feeling at my most confident.
So I decided to do something about my state.
I went out to get my salad and approached 3 girls along the way.
Nothing spectacular happened, but I felt better when I came back.
That’s one of the things I love about daygame. Sometimes it’s not even about meeting a girl. It’s about getting out of your own head, connecting with people, taking a little social risk, and reminding yourself that you can create your own energy.
And today, on very little sleep, that was particularly valuable.
The girl from Saturday
Then there was the girl I met on Saturday.
I’d been thinking about messaging her yesterday and today, but I wasn’t feeling particularly energetic either day.
And energy is something I associate strongly with being attractive. It’s one of my biggest vulnerabilities. When I’m feeling low, I can start believing I’m somehow less attractive.
But then she messaged me.
That gave me a little boost, and I answered genuinely, telling her I’d just been thinking about her.
She asked a little about my dating life, and I answered honestly. I told her it hadn’t been that long since my last relationship, so I was just getting back out there myself.
She put a heart on each message.
Nothing spectacular. Just a nice, warm little exchange.
And maybe that’s the point. I don’t always need to be the energetic, charismatic version of myself. Today I was tired, so I kept it short. She did too.
I followed the genuine impulse I had in that moment.
Maybe I’ll ask her out tomorrow or the next day.
Not everything is about me
Back to that client.
When he arrived at the office earlier, he seemed a little distant.
And of course, my mind immediately started wondering whether it had something to do with me.
Last time I saw him, I was feeling anxious. Maybe he remembered that. Maybe he expected to encounter the same version of me again.
Later, one of the higher-ups came by, and I somehow stumbled when trying to explain what our new AI project was about. I felt stupid. Even saying goodbye later, I managed to get tangled up in my words.
Not exactly the confident professional I wanted to be today.
But then something interesting happened.
He had been sitting with some colleagues who were celebrating a couple of victories with champagne. When he came back out to leave, he seemed much more relaxed, and we ended up joking about drinking champagne at work.
And it struck me that perhaps his earlier mood had absolutely nothing to do with me.
Other people have their own stuff going on. Their own moods, their own pressures, their own reasons for being quiet or distant.
I don’t have to put everything on my own shoulders.
It’s funny how easily I forget that.
Friends, family, and a little taste of fatherhood
Family felt okay today, too. I’d messaged my brother yesterday, and things felt reasonably settled on that front.
I also talked to Kurt, whom I’d just spent a week travelling with.
I had the impression we both wanted to reassure ourselves that we weren’t sick of each other after spending so much time together. It was nice to reconnect and feel that the friendship was still warm.
And then there’s the field report.
I recently shared some of my experience online about my years of approaching and what came of it, and it got a big response: a big online response, lots of upvotes, plenty of comments.
That’s pretty cool.
But what actually touched me most was that a few younger guys reached out asking whether I could mentor them.
I’m now emailing two or three of them, particularly one who’s a lot younger than me.
And there’s something surprisingly warm about that.
I’ve spent so many years learning about approaching women, dealing with rejection, building confidence, and trying to become more authentic. Being able to pour some of that experience into younger guys feels meaningful.
Almost a little like being a father.
I really like that feeling.
Five green lights
So here I am at the end of the day.
This morning I was lying in bed, exhausted and depressed, wondering what I was going to do with my working life.
And now?
Work is looking promising again. Possibly two new AI projects.
A girl I like reached out, and I managed three approaches despite feeling exhausted.
Family feels okay.
Friendships feel good.
I approached 3 girls during lunch.
And I’m getting this unexpected sense of purpose from helping younger guys.
All 5 of my pillars are showing green lights, more or less.
And I finally got some sleeping medication today, so hopefully tonight I’ll get a proper night’s sleep.
Because that’s the thing I keep coming back to: when I don’t sleep, even a day full of good things can be difficult to enjoy.
But today was a reminder that life can change quite a lot in just a few hours.
And perhaps another reminder that I don’t need to feel amazing, be perfectly confident, or perform at my best for good things to happen.
Sometimes I can just be tired, a little anxious, genuinely myself, and still have a pretty damn good day.